literature

KuroFai - Old Issues

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Fai woke with a start. Grabbing the covers he looked around frantically. No one was there. No one. He was both relieved and upset. He tried to catch his breath.  He went back over the dream in his head. It wasn't that scary. Fei-Wang Reed had chased him to the base of the tower where the real Fai had been. He called up to him but there wasn't any answer. He was already dead. Nothing scary happened. But it was so terrifying. It was so scary. It was SO scary. Why was he still dealing with this? It was all over. They had defeated Fei-Wang Reed and Celes was gone. He knew the truth about the whole thing. So why was he still dealing with all of this? Why was he still so scared of … of himself? He lay back down. The ceiling fan twirled above. It was so dark. He may not like it but there is no point in lying about how scared he was. He was terrified even now, lying awake. His face contorted into a silent cry. He felt like they were watching him. Like they would see if he cried. He could feel the panic rising up in him. "No." He thought frantically. "There is no reason to be like this. This doesn't make any sense. There is nothing here. There is no reason to be scared." But he was. He was so scared. He couldn't calm himself down. He curled up under the covers and tried to force himself to calm down. "Calm down. There is nothing to be afraid of. Calm down." Oh god! Oh god! They are right out there! "This doesn't make any sense. They aren't there! There is nothing to be afraid of!"
    He couldn't take it anymore. He slunk out from under the covers and bolted for the light switch. He wasn't afraid of the dark, but there was something in it that wanted him. With the lights on it was a bit better. But it wasn't gone. It was still lurking there. Laying in the quiet dark of the closet or under the bed waiting for him to turn out the lights and go back to bed. With his back up against the door he slid down to the floor and clutched his pants.  He couldn't even cry he was hyperventilating so much. He just wanted to go back to bed. But he knew that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. "I shouldn't be dealing with this! I shouldn't! What the hell? Why am I so messed up?" He would have buried his head in his knees, but he didn't dare close his eyes.
    He turned around and slowly opened his door. Light spilled out into the hall. He looked at the doors. Behind those doors were Kurogane and Syroan. All he wanted to do was slip into one of their rooms and lay on the floor. He could sleep then. He crept over to Kurogane's room and lay his hand on the door knob. He opened it quietly but steadily. Kurogane was a ninja. He would wake up if someone was sneaking into his room.  But he might stay asleep if Fai walked into his room with confidence. It didn't work. Kurogane woke up but it wasn't in a defensive way. He looked over at Fai in a sleepy stare. "Sorry…" Fai said with his characteristic fake smile. "Knock it off stupid," Kurogane rolled over. He knew what was wrong. Fai knew that Kuro knew what was wrong. But he couldn't let himself drop the act. He sat down in the armchair by the window. He could feel himself relaxing. It was gone. There was someone else there and he wasn't panicked anymore. Oh why am I so messed up? Why can't I just deal with my own issues?  He sat there in the chair. After a few moments he heard Kuro's breathing go back to normal. He was asleep again. He hated himself for dragging Kuro into all of his problems. It would only be ok when Kuro went back to sleep. And now that he was asleep, Fai's mind started to lag. His pride had been injured, but he knew he was safe there. Pathetic but safe. These were the few passing thoughts his mind could sustain before he drifted off into uncomfortable sleep.
Another one-shot fanfic

Let me know if you spot any typos.

Kuro, Fai copyright CLAMP
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